My wife usually buys our biker patches from time to time and she sews them on for me.  I don’t usually know anything about it until they are already sewn on and I am putting my jacket or vest on before I head out on my motorcycle.  Now most of the time, she plays nice and buys cool embroidered patches which look great.  That is why I don’t mind her doing this.

However the last patch she put on my jacket was the Does Not Golf Well With Others Patch.  She thought this was hilarious but I was not too impressed because I was actually out with the guys having a beer and discussing a golf trip when it was pointed out to me.  She had sewn it on to the back of my jacket and I hadn’t even realised.

It was all because we had gone out to play golf together one day and had a little bit of a tiff on the course!  I can’t even remember how it started but there was this guy on the course at the same time as us – in fact he was just behind us all the way round.  I had taken my shot and my wife was so slow that I started walking off ahead of her when I felt a golf ball just skim my head and head into the bushes just in front of me.

I wasn’t in the best of moods at the time and rounded to see this guy standing there with a club in his hand and trying not to laugh.  Well to be honest, this was like a red rag to a bull and I just lost it.  I was calling him all the names under the sun and didn’t even let him get a word in.  My wife was on the ground laughing and couldn’t even manage to string a sentence together.  So with me raging like a bull, I dragged her off the course and we headed home with me still ranting like a bear.

The poor guy was left standing there, club in hand and it was only when my wife managed to stop laughing about an hour later that she confessed that it was her who had hit the ball.  She had thrown her club to the ground as soon as she had seen where the ball was heading so when I turned around it looked as though that guy had been the guilty one!  Well I felt like an ass I have to say.  Thankfully I didn’t know the man but I still felt bad about giving him grief.  My wife still thinks its hilarious and that is why she bought that patch for me.

I’m not normally a raving lunatic but something clicked in me that day and I just lost it.  Well I decided to get my own back on my wife and ordered a patch for her myself.  I even managed to get the sewing kit out and didn’t do too bad of a job if I do say so myself.  So I can’t wait to see her face next time she heads out with her friends and sees the Crazy Bitch Patch that I have put on her jacket.  I laugh my head off every time I think about it!

I know this guy who really thinks he is God’s gift to the world and to be honest he really isn’t that hot at all.  I went to school with him and I’m sure it was his confidence and charm that saw him always have a girl on his arm.  One thing is for sure myself and my girlfriends couldn’t quite see the attraction.  I have to say I think he actually got a few whacks with the ugly stick when he was born.

That might not sound too nice for me to say and I wouldn’t normally because I really do believe that beauty is on the inside but when I say someone hit him with the ugly stick, I’m sure he was hit both inside and out.  He can do his best to charm the ladies but it never lasts because he is a complete asshole.

The fact that he thinks he is something special also gets on my nerves.  I cannot bear a man who so clearly needs a personality transplant, thinking that every woman should fall down at his knees.  He even has a When God Made Me He Was Showing Off Patch on his biker gear which he is so proud of.  Seriously he really needs to wake up and have a proper look in the mirror.  I’m sure his mother must be to blame.  I know that every mother thinks their own child is beautiful but deep down they must know when they are a far cry from Brad Pitt!

The reason I am so annoyed with this dude is the fact that he has turned his attention towards me now.  As I said, we went to school together but we also live in the same neighborhood.  And because I have never fallen for his charms, he feels the need to try and win me over.  But to get anywhere with me, he is going to need to do some serious work on his attitude.  Actually scrap that, I have known him too long to think he will ever change his ways and I really don’t think I could ever change my feelings towards him.  I just hope he gets bored soon and moves on to some other poor unsuspecting woman.

Did I mention I have a motorcycle too?  Well I love heading out on my bike and he feels that because we have this in common that we were made for each other.  Every time I head out on my bike for a ride he’s never far behind me and to be honest it is really starting to wear thin now.  He can’t even take a hint.  I have tried to tell him how great it is to ride out on your own with nothing else but your own thoughts but he really doesn’t think that his presence is included in this.  This is of course, because he could never imagine any woman not wanting to be with him.

I even bought the Admitting You’re An Asshole Is The First Step Patch for his benefit but he just thought I meant it for someone else.  I’m tearing my hair out now because although he is a creep, I don’t want to be completely blunt with him because I might hurt his feelings.  Hopefully he will meet someone else soon and I will be able to get back to what I love best – riding out on my own on my beautiful bike!

I used to be a fit guy.  I had a good physique because I worked out quite a lot and kept myself in shape.  I also used to eat quite healthily because I was proud of how I looked and was always popular with the ladies.  My buddies and I were the ones that the girls wanted to be seen with because we really did look the part.

After I left school I got a job and decided to buy myself a cool motorcycle.  I fell in love with this bike and to say I was never off it is really only an understatement in so far as I had to get off it for work and sleep.  Other than that, I took it everywhere.  I even rode it down to the local store which was a five minute walk from my house.

I also met and married the woman of my dreams and we had four babies together.  Sounds perfect doesn’t it?  Well there is only one problem here – over the years I turned into Jabba The Hut.  Instead of having a six pack, I now have a beer barrel and twenty chins to go with it.  It must have been the fact that I never went anywhere without my trusted bike and the fact that myself and my lovely wife were so comfortable with each other that we felt the need to just eat whatever and whenever we liked.

So now I have become fat and I have the Fat Biker Patch to go along with it.  Believe it or not I didn’t even realise I had put on so much weight until I saw some old photos that a friend of mine brought round.  I thought maybe I had put on a few pounds but as the years go by you tend to forget what you used to look like and just get used to the body you are in.  I really should have had some idea however because I met an old buddy of mine from high school and he really did a double take when he saw me.  I didn’t think much of it at the time – as I said it was only when I saw these old photos that I realised that I must have put on at least four or five stone since I was in school.

I’m sure you can guess what happened next.  Yes, I had to go on a diet.  For someone who has never been on a diet in their life, this has been truly hard.  I had become so used to eating all day long that to cut right down has left me feeling like I haven’t eaten in a week.  I am sick and tired of eating rabbit food at the moment but I am determined to carry on because so far I have lost a stone.  It hasn’t been easy but I’m sure that when I do reach my goal, it will have been worth it.  I have bought another patch for my jacket to keep me motivated.  The No Pain No Gain Patch makes me want to keep going and hopefully I won’t be a Fat Biker for too much longer.

Don’t you just hate people who go on and on about nothing in particular.  My wife is one of these people and while I obviously don’t hate her she does tend to drive me nuts sometimes with her incessant talking.

She seems to get worse when she has been out with her friends or her sisters.  She comes home and finds me in the house to tell me everything she thinks I want to know.  And if I am fortunate enough to be at work when she arrives home, she will either ring me or be waiting at the door when I get in.

I have learned to switch off now when she starts because I just can’t cope with it any longer.  What is wrong with women?  Do they really think that men want to hear all about Ellie down the street or Gillian from the golf club?  These things may be important to her but to me it’s like enough already!

When we first got together I used to try to show some interest but my replies usually weren’t the replies she was hoping for and then she used to get mad at me.  So now I just nod and agree with whatever she says.

I even bought myself a patch which I found online after one of her hour long rants.  The And You Are Telling Me This Because? Patch made me feel better because it was just how I felt at the time.  I really wanted to say it to her but past experiences had taught me better.

I had once said to her that I didn’t really give a crap about the girls from the book club and what they got up to and to say that went down like a lead balloon is an understatement.  She accused me of not taking an interest in things which she cares about and called me selfish and uncaring.  Bit of an over-reaction if you ask me but the silent treatment and lack of dinners for about three days led me to think before I open my mouth again!

I now get my feelings across on my biker vest.  I throw it on when I need to get some space to clear my head and I hop on my motorcycle to get out of the house for a while.  Instead of saying what I feel to my wife now, I just buy embroidered patches for my vest instead.  I bought the You’ve Obviously Mistaken Me For Someone Who Cares Patch after she spent an hour telling me about how Caroline from the store down town had called Marie from the café a lazy, fat, slut.  The fact that I even remember the details still astounds me but that was a particularly long rant and she must have mentioned their names at least a hundred times each so they have become embedded in my brain.

So now you can probably understand why riding around on my bike is such a pleasure!