Offensive Patches

If you're anything like me, there are times when you really wish you could say what you're thinking but you keep your mouth shut. Maybe your thoughts are inappropriate at the moment, or maybe you just don't quite know how to say it. But if you could, you'd be more than happy to tell everyone else what's on your mind.

If that's you, I have the perfect solution: funny patches. A small piece of embroidered fabric sewn to your hat or jacket that tells people what you really think without getting in their face. If you've ever wanted to help ugly people identify themselves, for example, you could get a patch that says, 'Nice Legs. Shame about the face'. How awesome would that be?

The thing about patches is that they're a lot like ventriloquist dummies. People watching a dummy disassociate it to some degree from the performer. That allows the performer to say some pretty crass things without his audience being personally offended. It's lame that people think that way, but they do.

With a patch, you can get away with a lot of the same stuff. Sew one on your baseball cap to tell the world what you think of President Obama. People will read it, and get the point, without the confrontation that could possibly ensue if you were voicing your Obama displeasure with a megaphone. Although that would be pretty cool, too.

And by the way, you don't have to be crass or rude if you don't want to. People of faith can use patches to let their voices be heard just as well as anyone else. Does John 3:16 mean anything to you?

Televised sports has made that the most well-recognized Bible reference in the world. Well, I saw a guy with the entire verse embroidered on a patch sewn to the right breast of his jacket. People hate to talk about religion, but I guarantee you they read his patch.

Bikers and vets have been using these things for decades. They get their message out without costing a lot of money. Most of the time you can get a saying patch for three or four bucks. What the heck; for the same amount of money it would cost for the average tattoo, you could buy  dozens of patches. And a patch doesn't get covered up when you put your jacket on - because it's on the jacket!

If more people used saying patches instead of freely running off at the mouth all the time the world would be a nicer place. We don't have the freedom to stop someone else from talking with the creative use of duct tape, but we do have the freedom to ignore a patch we don't care to read.

So I say, use saying patches for civility.

Hey, that would make a great slogan for a patch, now wouldn't it? It's too bad I don't have an embroidery machine and a couple hundred blank patches.